Why I Don’t Ride Roller Coasters

I hope all of you are enjoying your summers! It’s oppressively hot down here in Georgia, but beautiful nonetheless, and good beach weather, which I might enjoy were I a person who ever bothered to leave my apartment to go outside. But before you all go about your summer activities, there’s one I’d like to address: roller coasters. I’ve been dragged to many a theme park in past summers and gotten on these crazy things before, and I’ve just never cared for them. If I’m going to die plummeting from some dangerous height or crashing into something in a flimsy vehicle, I’d like it to be by accident and not because I paid for a $60 day-pass allowing me to do so. Sure, that might be incredibly paranoid, but every time I get strapped into one of these contraptions I just start thinking about all of the people who might advise me not to do so, if they were still around:

**FULL DISCLOSURE: While all of the captions refer to an actual event, some of the images have been slightly altered. The incident in panel 4 that occurred at Kentucky Kingdom, as some of you may remember, actually happened on the Superman Tower of Power, one of those vertical drop rides, and it was the victim’s feet that were severed, not her hands as I depicted here. In order to make the polyptych layout design work, some accuracy was sacrificed. I would like to reiterate however, that all of these things did happen, in one way or another, so hopefully you get my point: Roller coasters. They’re terrifying.